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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 14, 2015 2:09am-2:41am PDT

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>> that's our show i want to thank our panel lola agunnaike ahmed ahmed and joel mchale. don't forget to like us on facebook and follow us on twitter and instagram to keep track of everything. happy hump day everyone. good nightly everybody. good nightly it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on today. the grass roots and little on the nose nonprofit group women on twenties held an on-line poll recently to replace andrew jackson on the $20 bill with civil rights act advisory
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harriet tubman, they sent president obama a video urging him to make that money, gurl. >> comedians -- why are you laughing? i don't know if you, your laughter is fun or racist, i am a little confused at the moment. >> but the point is if this bill goes in circulation we will need nicknames for it because people will be making them up. what are some cool new names for the currency. >> can i have two whitens for this down south. >> all right. jessica chaffin. >> i am going to go with the retro/reentry green blacks. >> chris: jamie denbo. >> hey spend a tubby on your hubby. >> chris: it's time to start captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> chris: welcome to @midnight. i am chris hardwick tonight's comedians are writer director and producer of spy in theaters june 5th and it's paul feig! >> thank you, buddy. >> chris: also cast members of spies, from the ronna and beverly podcast on earwolf it's jessica chaffin and jamie denbo! >> look at that. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, this is rapid refresh! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: well, this new travel guide has been all over the internet today, it's for canada's beautiful prince edward island a secluded paradise where you can sit back and rehacks with a nice visible swim trunks boner. >> yep.
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ah. just sitting back and letting the beach give him a blow job. >> don't worry, they only printed 180,000 copies. >> that is metric so that is less here, right. >> but if you brought that up it is $250,000. >> chris: not to 0 identify not to over analyze it but -- >> i can't even see the ocean. >> chris: not really -- >> it is the real moby dick, i guess. >> chris: points to jessica chaffin. 100 points. now they are trying to recall the image but social media has already of course taken it and that's it. so i am sorry, tourism board no takesies dicksies backsies takesies dicksies backsies. visit pei it's exciting, lol. >> comedians what's a good tourism slogan for prince edward
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island. >> if your trip lasts more than four hours, consult your doctor. >> chris: points. >> jamie denbo. >> prince edward island it's engorge-eous. >> chris: points. >> during the photo shoot it was like hang on a sec, i have to takesies dicksies backsies care of something. >> it is one of those sundials. >> it is 3:00 o'clock i guess i will -- honey what time is submit never mind. >> chris: good news, guys, the muppets are returning to prime time television! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> flail. >> chris: this is the best thing to happen on abc since steve gutenberg was on dancing with the stars. the bad news is because of network television it is just a matter of time before some farty pants executive with a sweaty hairpiece gives a network note
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to justify his job something like hmm, does kermit have to be a frog? do they need to be muppets? could we just call them puppets? comedians what ask another -- obviously you guys didn't work in television. >> very insightful segment. >> chris:. >> anybody but nobody but here in comedy central. >> the executives are very nice. >> i am talking to you, gary man. >> chris: what is another network note for the muppets, paul feig. >> can you step into our office and i will put my hand up your ass. >> chris: yes. points. >> jessica chaffin. >> don't takesies dicksies backsies this the wrong way it is just a suck but is piggy open to the idea, open to the idea of a trainer? >> chris: points. >> chris: that is the end of rapid refresh, now time for our hashtag wars. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: if there is one
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thing that much of nerd dom can agree on it's that "mad max fury road" looks siiiiiick. i sense a disturbance in the force, apparently men's rights activists or toilet people as they are more commonly known are upset that the film features a strong female lead in charlize theron. >> hey, paul feig director of of bridesmaid and the upcoming ghost busters reboot do you have any experience with they phenomenon. >> no i can only say thanks for girl busters. >> >> chris: their masculinity is threatened by a fake women character. >> but i am just a guy with a great loving relationship with his mom. what do i know? by the way guys, moms are a feminist plot, don't fall for it! get past the
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shackles! >> right on my friend. >> i hope they are at least fighting for white men. >> chris: finally, someone is sticking up for the white man. >> exactly exactly. >> amen to that a. >> chris: personally i think it is a great idea to play around with agenda never movies and very excited for your ghost busters reboot. >> thank you. >> it is funny and i guess i will judge it after i see it instead of being a dick about it beforehand. >> that's why we love this man. >> i don't know. i don't know. >> that seems really reasonable. >> chris: that's why don't's hashtag is #genderswapamovie. #genderswapamovie. examples might be guns of indeer. or brotherhood of the traveling khakis mr. doubt fire, or pretty man. >> starring eric roberts.
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i want to put 60-seconds on the clock and begin. yes jessica. >> wolf-eret. >> 12 angry women who got shot out of the mommy and me class. >> chris: gentleman. jamie denbo. >> susan and katelyn. >> man begins hormone replacement therapy. >> chris: jessica. >> the fast and the furious for not taking me back, you dick. >> chris: yes. points. jamie. >> the guy with the totally not gay dragon tattoo. >> chris: points. >> menopausal mack and beyond thunder flow. >> we don't need another hero! >> chris: jamie. >> patton, leather pumps. >> avengers but black widow has a decent size part. >> chris: oh points. well done. well done.
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>> that's the end of hashtag wars. please send us your hashtags of #genderswapamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> today's tweet of the day presented by infell is from @antonius bloch. well done!
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i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming! it was worth it! saving you a bundle when you bundle -- now, that's progressive. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play on my way to steal your girl. on my way to steal your girl. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: huh? huh? oh. oh. so nice. >> okay, okay, okay. >> hands down one of the best memes on the internet is on my way to steal your girl people posting random picksable picks and then with baller confidence hash --ing, hashtagging it on my way to steal your girl, like this pineapple playa. >> on my way to steal your girl! >> and if that fails on my way to impregnate this fruit. >> so comedians, use some pics.
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>> 250 points give us an alternative thing they are on their way to do. first one, first one, this cake boss. >> jessica. >> on my way to give you girl type 2 diabetes. >> chris: yes. points. >> next one, this mack on mackerels. >> on my way to -- >> paul feig. >> on my way to totally ruin batman versus superman. >> chris: yes. well done. well played. >> i am going all over my fellow directors. >> chris: i loved it earlier when he had a boner in the lounge chair. it moved to -- over there apparently. >> chris: on my way to steal your girl, yes. >> jessica. >> on my way to page the vagina
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feel dryer than they ever have been. >> chris: points. next one, this top gunner, this top gunner on my way to steal your girl. >> jamie. >> on my way to my divorce proceedings. >> chris: paul. >> on my way to a super dishonorable discharge. yes. >> on this lady's leg. >> chris: yes. there you go, points, points. >> eww! >> chris: i like that the vowels started before you finished the joke. >> takesies dicksies backsies it where you can get it. >> chris: last one last one. on my waaayyy to sale your girl. >> jessica. >> on my way to becoming meatballs at ikea. that's the end of on my way to
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steal your girl. it's time for our next girl, hit or quit. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: the internet has made it difficult for musicians to make a living that's why so many dinosaurs of rock are still out there playing county fairs to a pay for their heart medication and boner pills. but live performances are fraught with peril. comedians i am going to show you the first part of a video of an amateur band performing live and for 250 points i want you to tell me if someone in the band gets physically hit or quits. all right? the first one, these hardly rockers. >> oh. >> spinal tap's new fusion jazz. >> finally. >> chris: hit or quit? paul. >> oh, goll. you have to quit that band. >> chris: quit? all right. you can only go on that kind of a job -- >> oh!
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>> i didn't understand! you would think the other guy would go -- would defend it like (bleep) it if everyone is going to do it. >> it was so unprovoked. >> i think that was musically provoked. >> chris: next one. >> what do you think it is? jessica? >> i mean that man can't quit. that's all he has. >> he gets hit. >> chris: let's see. let's see. >> >> oh, my. >> >> chris: why did that guy hit
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doug benson with a chair? poor doug. >> doug loves silence. >> chris: that's the end of hit or quit. time for our live challenge, narcissist history narcissist history. well, hotel magnate and bloated jack-o-lantern in a suit donald trump has a storied history of being arrogant and inappropriate. on fox news he recently proposed this completely reasonable plan to protect our country. takesies dicksies backsies a listen. >> people pouring across our borders is horrible and we have to build a wall. who would build it better look i built some of the greatest buildings in the world, building a wall is easy. >> chris: i mean a wall is just a sideways building. it is really easy. >> reaching a new low even for him, trump used yesterday's amtrak accident to boast his massive ego by claiming he would do a better job than anyone else of rebuilding our infrastructure because, quote, train wreck just
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the beginning our roads tunnels, electric grid all falling apart i can fix for 20 percent of polls or better, followed it one this (bleep), i am the best builder. just look at what i built. hillary clinton can't build, republican candidates can't build. they don't have a clue. >> he is certainly building a huge pile of (bleep). >> chris: comedians -- >> they don't even know. >> chris: comedians as donald trump please takesies dicksies backsies, takesies dicksies backsies a historical tragedy from the past and write a tweet making it all about you. we will be right back after the break with your answers and more @midnight. >>
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with. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you how wispy haired gentleman donald trump can use any horrible event to boost his ego. i asked you to pick another historical tragedy and write a tweet as donald trump making it all about you, jamie denbo let's start a with you. >> i could have stopped hitler, pol pot and saddam hussein, hashtag multiracial cookies. >> chris: i am not convinced he didn't actually say that. that could have been an actual trump quote jessica. >> i could have told you bin laden was hiding in a time-share in iraq, opening in 2016. >> chris: mr. c. >> oswald would never have gotten security in the trump
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book depository. never would have gotten past security. >> chris: 1,000 points to to mr. feig. i will do 500 to jessica and 250 to jamie denbo. >> news of the day. >> chris: it's time for spoiler cooper draper price. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: well the mad men comedy hour finale airs this sunday night, and the internet is lousy with crazy fan theories on how the series will end including my personal prediction, don draper invents the phrase where's the beef and walks into the ocean. in advance of this moment mouse tv occasion i want you to come up with as many bonkers predictions for the finale in 60-seconds begin. >> god and roger just get over it and (bleep) already. >> chris: jessica. >> don lives in a dumpster with
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all of his dreams. >> chris: denbo. >> 45 years and 0 moves to albuquerque and overdoses or blue tuna. >> chris:. >> a dance off, a dance off. >> chris: yes. points. >> diamond zips his face. it is walter white the entire time after he zips off his face. >> hurry photo, hurry to the future. prince island. >> don drape search filling his own liquor bottles with his own urine. >> chris: that will show him. >> a reveal puts the finger in his ass during sex. >> chris: yes. i think we knew that all along. >> pete unleashes stom by virus showing this is a prequel to "the walking dead". >> chris: yes. i believe it. points. >> you know what? i don't believe it paul, because i didn't host an after show for mad men. so sorry. >> gosh darn it. >> chris: that's the end of
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spoiler cooper draper price. >> jessica chaffin you are in third place and we must therefore eliminate you from -- we must eliminate you from the competition. i know, i am real sorry. i hate, i feel real bad about it. >> and we are going to cut you out of spy too. >> i just wanted to takesies dicksies backsies this chance to tell everyone that i have ovarian ca3cer and -- this was my -- this was the little bit of joy i allowed myself today. i am going to takesies dicksies backsies a nap during the final round if that's okay,. >> chris: no no. you might enjoy the curative powers of our red light! >> yeah! >> hit the bricks. hit the bricks! that means it's time to submit it or quit it. it's for the win! air bnb is a great way to find a place to stay when you're away from home.
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one complaint about it, not enough sex dungeons, although technically they can be a sex dungeon but not a problem now because there is a new website in town, kink bnb, a dungeon rental service where you can find a new home away from home where mistress nightshade can turn you into her own personal human toilet. >> how embarrassing. that's the same as the room at my mom's house. like the day i moved out my room became a sex dungeon, so not cool. >> comedians i would like you write a customer review of your most recent stay in in this dank lair of pain. we will have the comedians' answers when we come back to more @midnight.
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progressive insurance here and i'm a box who thrives on the unexpected. ha-ha! shall we dine? [ chuckle ] you wouldn't expect an insurance company to show you their rates and their competitors' rates but that's precisely what we do. going up! nope, coming down. and if you switch to progressive today you could save an average of over 500 bucks. stop it. so call me today at the number below. or is it above? dismount! oh, and he sticks the landing! what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus.
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you would think that this was a brand new audi. it's like a luxury car. feels kind of like an infinity. very similar to a range rover. this is pretty high tech. yeah it is. it reminds me of a mercedes. ♪ this is chevy? laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. they thought about me. i could totally rock this. this thing feels pretty boss. it looks kind of dope. that's pretty cool. this is the jam. pretty bomb dude. maybe i will go chevy. i'm definitely in. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe wipe wipe. i am going to read the answers out loud. you get to decide the winner. before the break i showed you kink bnb and the website you can rent a dungeon for the weekend. write a review of your stay. let's see what you said. first one. this (bleep) caters to an upscale crowd of freaks and enthusiast in a tree line
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